Month: March 2015

I hope I am in the last car on this 50 Shades of Grey train.  Why?  Because you’re killing me.  You’re all killing me.  I literally can’t EVEN.  Which brings me to my first point – before I go any further, let’s all calm down.  Like ten notches down. I’ve found I articulate my thoughts best through lists.  In this particular case, I will pose a list of questions.  If at the end of the list of questions, you still believe 50 Shades of Grey is the worst thing to happen to mankind since Mein Kampf, then I just don’t know what to do with you.

1. Do you love drama?  Because I LOVE drama.  I was binge-watching 90210 reruns at age 10.  Do you know what 50 Shades of Grey is?  It’s like the BEST season arch of 90210 ever.  There’s LUST, LOVE, SEX (we’ll get to that later), DANGER, FIGHTS, KIDNAPPING, FIRES, GUNS, WEDDINGS, YACHTS!  None of these things sound fun to you!?  Then why would you expect to like this book?
2. Were you upset at how poorly written it was?  Did you think you were reading award-winning literature?  No matter how many people read it, or how much money it makes, this is still a romance novel.  A novel meant to entertain women and cater to their naughty side.  In fact, I should be writing a blog about some of my favorite ridiculous lines and/or plot twists.  You’ve gotta approach books as you do movies.  You don’t watch Face/Off to be inspired intellectually, you watch it because it’s ENTERTAINING and John Travolta has those crazy eyes!  50 Shades of Grey started out as a Twilight Fan Fiction novel.  Are you aware of what Fan Fiction is?  It ain’t fucking Chaucer.
3. Are you a romantic?  Have you gotten butterflies from holding someone’s hand or felt a heat rush just from close proximity?  Oh you’re a boy?  Then why would you think this book should interest you?  Oh you just don’t think it’s romantic?  If the following have been removed from the list of romantic gestures, please let me know: lavishing one with gifts, constantly telling one they’re beautiful, night time helicopter rides, proposing while surrounded by candles and flowers, fairytale wedding…Oh it’s because of the abuse?  Right, that brings me to my next question –
4. Does sex make you uncomfortable?  Then why would you think you would enjoy this book?  There is a lot of kinky shit in this book – though not as kinky as it gets, ironically.  Here’s the thing though, a lot of people like kinky shit.  Hell, Beyonce writes hit songs about wanting Jay Z to smack her ass and call her Peaches when they get nasty.  This is not a weird thing, and just because it’s not your thing, doesn’t make it less intimate or romantic.  Oh but still the thing about how it’s abusive?  About that –
5. Have you read the damn book?  All three?  Because I have.  Twice.  I do not claim to know anything about the world of BDSM, nor do I care.  Do you know why?  Because this is a fucking BOOK.  A piece of FICTION – a grocery store romance novel, for that matter.  People are FURIOUS, saying it’s a terrible influence and promotes violence in a  relationship?  Really?  I made a movie about an actress who literally eats her own flesh and muscle.  So am I a spokeswoman for cannibalism?  No.  I made a movie about a character who doesn’t exist and I used artistic tools to tell a story and convey certain feelings.  Here is what this series of books is about:  Boy meets girl.  Love at first sight.  Girl is young and a virgin, but smart and saucy.  Boy is a beautiful hot mess – abused child, can’t love, feels worthless, loves BDSM (but why!?).  Girl is introduced to boy’s dirty world and – GASP- she likes it.  She REALLY likes it.  Boy has issues, takes out his anger sexually.  There are two – count ‘em, TWO – instances where he goes too far and girl has to use the safe-word (followed by boy panicking and crying with guilt).  But boy and girl love each other ardently.  All kinds of shit happens, rich kids do fun things, therapists make revelations, drama drama call your mama, couple of babies – BANG.  We’re out.  Doesn’t that sound like fun!?

If you haven’t read the book, the WHOLE thing, then you’re just assuming.  You’re shitting on people who shouldn’t feel any bit of shame for enjoying a silly book (or movie).  You’re making something out of nothing, and quite frankly, killing all the fun.  If you’re not into this series, but are finding the time to bitch about it, try spending more time finding something YOU think is fun.  Join the rest of us.